“Got two A’s on his report card and they were both in Aaron”
Washed-up athlete accuses late-night host of being an Epstein-related pedophile. Late-night host responds with a valuable lesson on fact checking and basic civility:
Final score: Hollywood liberal 1 Bigmouth mancave conservative 0.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 10, 2024
Note: C&J is offering free body piercings today from 9am to 3pm. Just stand under the row of icicles hanging off our porch and we’ll do the rest. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
6 days!!!
Days 'til the Iowa MAGA caucuses: 5
Days 'til NYC Restaurant Week: 6
Expected overall inflation rate by the and of 2024, according to the Federal Reserve: 2.4%
Year-over-year drop in used car prices: 7%
Amount of snow Groton, Vermont got last weekend, the highest recorded during the big storm: 22½"
Percent of Mainers who have flood insurance: 1%
Percent chance that an iPhone that got sucked out of that Alaska Airlines plane and was found by the side of a road in Washington was still intact and functional: 100%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 5 volcanoes and 1 highway to the danger zone). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: I guess Lassie was to busy to handle this one…?
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CHEERS to the Republicans' worst nightmare. Uh oh. Donald Trump's wish for an economic crash appears to be, well, crashing. With Dark Brandon at the helm, things are actually looking up for 2024…and the unwashed rabble are starting to notice:
And more good news: jobs are plentiful, manufacturing is returning to America, wages are up, crime is down, windmills don’t cause cancer, it doesn’t take 10-15 flushes to make your toilet work, and nobody's coming after your gas stoves. Or as the MAGA cult would describe it: everything sucks.
JEERS to lost luggage…and more. The fine folks at Boeing are asking the general public if they have seen the following items that have fallen from the sky this week:
If found, please place in any mailbox. Return postage guaranteed.
JEERS to not paying attention. On January 10, 2001, President-(not)-elect George W. Bush and his "national security" team (Condi Rice and a Steinway baby grand) received their first top-secret Pentagon briefing on military challenges around the world. Judging by their performance over the next eight years, they apparently tuned out somewhere around, "Now listen carefully, this is important..."
JEERS to reform at the speed of tortoise. On January 10, 1878, a constitutional amendment—#19—was introduced in the Senate that would give women the right to vote. The original text was written by Susan B. Anthony with the help of Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Up until this point, the Senate had simply injected women’s suffrage provisions in other bills. This was the first piece of legislation focused so plainly on the issue:
The amendment was so slow to catch on that it wasn't signed into law for another 42 years. A period more commonly known as the "Era of Wifely Dirty Looks."
JEERS to more stalling. Here's a transcript of yesterday's court action as lawyers for the 45th President of the United States tried to claim he has absolute immunity from prosecution:
We would've posted this sooner but the court stenographer had to revise the transcript because he erroneously wrote "Blaw blaw blaw." Understandable mistake. He grew up in the South.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 10, 2014
CHEERS to loving the smell of schadenfreude in the morning. These emails exchanged by two of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's BFF's….
…will live in Republican scandal infamy alongside Michael Brown's Katrina emails ("I am a fashion god") and Mark Foley's texts to teenage House pages ("You naked?"). From the beginning of the bridge-clogging scandal, I've watched Christie follow a familiar pattern. First he ignored accusations of political revenge on the mayor of Fort Lee. Then he mocked them ("I put the cones up myself ha ha!"). Then he got all pissy and defensive with the press. And now that the scandal has landed at his office door, he's in the acceptance phase…as in, accepting that everyone is to blame but himself. Where this heads is anybody's guess, but one thing's for sure: Bridgegate is going to have a long "span life." Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to bitchy jokesters. Thirty-two years ago it was a dark day for my little birth hamlet of Mount Vernon, Ohio (pop. 15,000). Our most famous son, Paul "Center Square" Lynde, was found dead of a heart attack at 55—the age I passed four years ago, so I can officially tell you that’s young—in his Beverly Hills home, and our town just froze for the day (in fairness, it was the middle of January). It’s no longer a secret that most of the jokes Lynde got credit for on Hollywood Squares were created by professional writers with a real knack for double entendres. But Paul’s campy gift for timing elevated them to comedy hall-of-fame material:
You'll find tons of clips and info at the official Lynde fan site and here. He was an interesting—and frustrating—transitional figure on the LGBT timeline of the 60s and 70s. Even though his lips never said "I'm gay," his demeanor—including as Uncle Arthur on Bewitched—screamed it. But scores of homophobic female fans never figured it out, and their adoring fan mail, including marriage proposals, never stopped filling his mailbox. Peter Marshall famously said, "Paul made the world safe for sissies." And I admit, it's nice not having to lock my door at night.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Washed-up athlete accuses late-night host of being an Epstein-related pedophile. Late-night host responds with a valuable lesson on fact checking and basic civility:
Final score: Hollywood liberal 1 Bigmouth mancave conservative 0.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 10, 2024
Note: C&J is offering free body piercings today from 9am to 3pm. Just stand under the row of icicles hanging off our porch and we’ll do the rest. —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
6 days!!!
Days 'til the Iowa MAGA caucuses: 5
Days 'til NYC Restaurant Week: 6
Expected overall inflation rate by the and of 2024, according to the Federal Reserve: 2.4%
Year-over-year drop in used car prices: 7%
Amount of snow Groton, Vermont got last weekend, the highest recorded during the big storm: 22½"
Percent of Mainers who have flood insurance: 1%
Percent chance that an iPhone that got sucked out of that Alaska Airlines plane and was found by the side of a road in Washington was still intact and functional: 100%
-
Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 5 volcanoes and 1 highway to the danger zone). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: I guess Lassie was to busy to handle this one…?
-
CHEERS to the Republicans' worst nightmare. Uh oh. Donald Trump's wish for an economic crash appears to be, well, crashing. With Dark Brandon at the helm, things are actually looking up for 2024…and the unwashed rabble are starting to notice:
The US inflation picture greatly improved in 2023, and so have Americans’ attitudes about it … according to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York’s December Survey of Consumer Expectations report, which was released Monday.
Sometimes it’s good to be at the bottom of the pack.
Median inflation expectations declined across all three time horizons tracked in the survey—one, three and five years ahead—with the nearer-term categories landing at levels not seen since 2020. […]
“The fact that consumers expect inflation to continue to come down is a good thing,” Ted Rossman, Bank rate senior industry analyst, told CNN via email. “Consumer sentiment has been in the doldrums for years, largely due to inflation gobbling up Americans’ wage gains and masking how strong the job market and other aspects of the economy have been.”
And more good news: jobs are plentiful, manufacturing is returning to America, wages are up, crime is down, windmills don’t cause cancer, it doesn’t take 10-15 flushes to make your toilet work, and nobody's coming after your gas stoves. Or as the MAGA cult would describe it: everything sucks.
JEERS to lost luggage…and more. The fine folks at Boeing are asking the general public if they have seen the following items that have fallen from the sky this week:
If found, please place in any mailbox. Return postage guaranteed.
JEERS to not paying attention. On January 10, 2001, President-(not)-elect George W. Bush and his "national security" team (Condi Rice and a Steinway baby grand) received their first top-secret Pentagon briefing on military challenges around the world. Judging by their performance over the next eight years, they apparently tuned out somewhere around, "Now listen carefully, this is important..."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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Rotational forces [♼鈴木 俊洋/Toshihiro Suzuki♼]pic.twitter.com/NreepRampw
— Massimo (@Rainmaker1973) January 8, 2024
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to reform at the speed of tortoise. On January 10, 1878, a constitutional amendment—#19—was introduced in the Senate that would give women the right to vote. The original text was written by Susan B. Anthony with the help of Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Up until this point, the Senate had simply injected women’s suffrage provisions in other bills. This was the first piece of legislation focused so plainly on the issue:
The amendment was so slow to catch on that it wasn't signed into law for another 42 years. A period more commonly known as the "Era of Wifely Dirty Looks."
JEERS to more stalling. Here's a transcript of yesterday's court action as lawyers for the 45th President of the United States tried to claim he has absolute immunity from prosecution:
We would've posted this sooner but the court stenographer had to revise the transcript because he erroneously wrote "Blaw blaw blaw." Understandable mistake. He grew up in the South.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: January 10, 2014
CHEERS to loving the smell of schadenfreude in the morning. These emails exchanged by two of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's BFF's….
…will live in Republican scandal infamy alongside Michael Brown's Katrina emails ("I am a fashion god") and Mark Foley's texts to teenage House pages ("You naked?"). From the beginning of the bridge-clogging scandal, I've watched Christie follow a familiar pattern. First he ignored accusations of political revenge on the mayor of Fort Lee. Then he mocked them ("I put the cones up myself ha ha!"). Then he got all pissy and defensive with the press. And now that the scandal has landed at his office door, he's in the acceptance phase…as in, accepting that everyone is to blame but himself. Where this heads is anybody's guess, but one thing's for sure: Bridgegate is going to have a long "span life." Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to bitchy jokesters. Thirty-two years ago it was a dark day for my little birth hamlet of Mount Vernon, Ohio (pop. 15,000). Our most famous son, Paul "Center Square" Lynde, was found dead of a heart attack at 55—the age I passed four years ago, so I can officially tell you that’s young—in his Beverly Hills home, and our town just froze for the day (in fairness, it was the middle of January). It’s no longer a secret that most of the jokes Lynde got credit for on Hollywood Squares were created by professional writers with a real knack for double entendres. But Paul’s campy gift for timing elevated them to comedy hall-of-fame material:
Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes.
Lynde as an imperial officer in a Star Wars sketch during a Donny & Marie special.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: The Joy of Sex.
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Peter Marshall: Will a newborn baby learn anything by the time he's 5 days old?
Paul Lynde: Yes, we should avoid each other when we're drinking.
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Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on.
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His lasting legacy: Hollywood Squares and Bewitched.
Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe’s The Raven said, “Nevermore.” What did Gilbert and Sullivan’s Dickie Bird say?
Paul Lynde: "Let’s not wallow in Watergate."
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Peter Marshall: In the The Wizard of Oz, the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.
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And the classic that put him on the map:
Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
You'll find tons of clips and info at the official Lynde fan site and here. He was an interesting—and frustrating—transitional figure on the LGBT timeline of the 60s and 70s. Even though his lips never said "I'm gay," his demeanor—including as Uncle Arthur on Bewitched—screamed it. But scores of homophobic female fans never figured it out, and their adoring fan mail, including marriage proposals, never stopped filling his mailbox. Peter Marshall famously said, "Paul made the world safe for sissies." And I admit, it's nice not having to lock my door at night.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
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