A Brief Calming Note to the MAGA Cult
We know you're all feeling scared, lost and traumatized by the appearance of Taylor Swift at a recent football game. God only knows what horrible, terrible, apocalyptic message she was sending as the signal beamed ominously into your—yes, your—living room.
But look on the bright side. It could’ve been drag queens. Or books on Black history. Or green M&Ms. Or electric stoves. Or Mr. Potato Heads. Or bamboo fibers. Or crates full of pronouns. Or abortion pills. Or immigrants. Or Disney characters. Or pamphlets on gun safety. Or vaccines. Or low-flow toilets. Or news about another military defeat for Russia. Or Dark Brandon’s Ray-Bans. Or Barbie. Or a robot shifty Adam Schiff. Or cancer-causing windmills. Or—trigger warning—a slate of not-fake electors!
But you can relax. I have it on good authority that the “Taylor Swift” you saw was just reincarnated JFK Jr. in Mike Lindell's host body dressed up like the pop singer, who was actually squirreled away at an undisclosed location by the Border convoy.
All is well. Enjoy your day, brave patriots. And, hey...keep it real.
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, February 5, 2024
Note: Wake us up like that again, humans—as you did Friday by grabbing us with work gloves and hoisting us over your heads in front of a rabid mob—and we'll gnaw certain body parts off and see you in court. Thank you for your attention in this matter.
—American Groundhog Legal Defense Fund
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By the Numbers:
5 days!!!
Days 'til the start of the Chinese New Year (of the dragon): 5
Days 'til the Joriad™ North American Truffle Dog Championship in Eugene, Oregon: 5
Amount lost in the the Chinese stock market over the last three years: $6 trillion
Number of Teslas being recalled because the font on their warning lights are too small: 2.2 million
Years since Walmart opened a new store: 3
Months a pigeon was detained by India under suspicion it was a spy for China: 8
Age of actor Carl Weathers (Rocky, Predator, The Mandalorian) when he died Friday: 76
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Kevin Costner reveals the new addition to his family…
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CHEERS and JEERS to Monday morning in America. Here's what's going on as we celebrate the national holiday known as It's Not Actually A National Holiday Now Get Back To Work Day: the GOP-led House is doing whatever, the Senate is confirming judges and trying to pass immigration legislation, Pete Buttigieg is out filling potholes, racism is flourishing, inflation is dropping, Russia and the west are fighting a proxy war via Ukraine, whites are still projected to become the minority in the U.S. by 2045, there are ten people in space, we're still killing the planet, an apple a day helps control apple overpopulation, atmospheric rivers and the polar vortex are currently in charge of everything, and I just switched your Folgers Crystals with regular coffee. You are now up to date. One lump or two?
CHEERS to the jobs report of the century. They said it couldn’t be done. They said Joe Biden was washed up as a jobs creator. The best forecasters in the land predicted that America would lose 2.6 BILLION JOBS in January, followed by 100% inflation and $80 per gallon gas prices. The House MAGA cult was ready to add his failure to their articles of impeachment. The media licked its chops as it prepared to unleash its pre-written stories of ECONOMIC ARMAGEDDON. And then, at the stroke of 8:30 Friday morning, the Bureau of Labor Statistics delivered the news that 353,000 jobs had been created…
CHEERS to a profession full of highs and lows. Speaking of forecasters, Happy Weatherpersons' Day! After shoveling the snow off the Wikipedia page, I see that it "recognizes individuals in the fields of meteorology, weather forecasting and broadcast meteorology, as well as volunteer storm spotters and observers. It is observed on the birthday of John Jeffries, one of the United States' first weather observers who took daily measurements starting in 1774." Yes, it took our best scientific minds 250 years to build our modern forecasting tools, and You Tube mere minutes to assemble outtakes like this…
YouTube Video
Forecasters predict National Weatherpersons' Day will blow over within the next few hours, followed by an 80 percent chance of lingering National Weatherpersons' Day hangovers. Mostly among weatherpersons.
CHEERS to the Illinois governor who took on the Kansas general. Happy 124th birthday to Adlai Stevenson II. He lost to Dwight Eisenhower in both 1952 and 1956. (Then again, I think God herself would have, too.) But as U.N. Ambassador he pleasantly surprised the Kennedy administration by giving the Russians hell during the Cuban missile crisis. And he sure understood Republicans:
And I love this:
In other words: nice knowin' ya.
CHEERS to the weekend's Comeback Kid. Saturday night in South Carolina Joe Biden lorded over a Democratic primary landslide. Smothered the competition. Hocked the biggest loogie. gave the biggest noogie. Administered the swirliest swirlie. Dealt it so powerfully that everybody smelt it. Performed the most painful purple nurple. And for his grand finale he reached into his competitors' chests, ripped out their still-beating hearts, and showed it to them. He then quietly put it back them their chest cavities and thanked god Dean Phillips and Marianne Williamson are sound sleepers. On to...where again?
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 5, 2014
JEERS to the random mumblings of Governor Footinmouth. Yesterday Maine got its annual "state of the state" address, those magical eight uninterrupted hours when our Teapublican governor, Paul LePage, rhetorically straggles through all the hard-line conservative talking points and then proclaims, "The state of our state is…meh, it's too good for you moochers, that's for sure." The speech was punctuated by occasional smatterings of perfunctory applause. But he did say one thing that earned him a well-deserved standing ovation. I believe it was, "In conclusion..."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Every time you go outside on a clear night you’re doing yourself a grave disservice if you don’t look up and nearly choke on your bong hit as you realize that the universe up there is pretty darn spectacular. The elves at NASA are aware of this, so they always let us in on the big celestial events for the month. Here’s a look at February’s sky-watching highlights, including Jupiter and the moon makin’ eyes at each other, and a spiral galaxy not unlike ours:
YouTube Video
By the way, I hate to burst his bubble, but I know how the constellation Orion the hunter manages to look so svelte up there year after year: Spanx.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
-
We know you're all feeling scared, lost and traumatized by the appearance of Taylor Swift at a recent football game. God only knows what horrible, terrible, apocalyptic message she was sending as the signal beamed ominously into your—yes, your—living room.
But look on the bright side. It could’ve been drag queens. Or books on Black history. Or green M&Ms. Or electric stoves. Or Mr. Potato Heads. Or bamboo fibers. Or crates full of pronouns. Or abortion pills. Or immigrants. Or Disney characters. Or pamphlets on gun safety. Or vaccines. Or low-flow toilets. Or news about another military defeat for Russia. Or Dark Brandon’s Ray-Bans. Or Barbie. Or a robot shifty Adam Schiff. Or cancer-causing windmills. Or—trigger warning—a slate of not-fake electors!
But you can relax. I have it on good authority that the “Taylor Swift” you saw was just reincarnated JFK Jr. in Mike Lindell's host body dressed up like the pop singer, who was actually squirreled away at an undisclosed location by the Border convoy.
All is well. Enjoy your day, brave patriots. And, hey...keep it real.
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, February 5, 2024
Note: Wake us up like that again, humans—as you did Friday by grabbing us with work gloves and hoisting us over your heads in front of a rabid mob—and we'll gnaw certain body parts off and see you in court. Thank you for your attention in this matter.
—American Groundhog Legal Defense Fund
-
By the Numbers:
5 days!!!
Days 'til the start of the Chinese New Year (of the dragon): 5
Days 'til the Joriad™ North American Truffle Dog Championship in Eugene, Oregon: 5
Amount lost in the the Chinese stock market over the last three years: $6 trillion
Number of Teslas being recalled because the font on their warning lights are too small: 2.2 million
Years since Walmart opened a new store: 3
Months a pigeon was detained by India under suspicion it was a spy for China: 8
Age of actor Carl Weathers (Rocky, Predator, The Mandalorian) when he died Friday: 76
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Kevin Costner reveals the new addition to his family…
-
CHEERS and JEERS to Monday morning in America. Here's what's going on as we celebrate the national holiday known as It's Not Actually A National Holiday Now Get Back To Work Day: the GOP-led House is doing whatever, the Senate is confirming judges and trying to pass immigration legislation, Pete Buttigieg is out filling potholes, racism is flourishing, inflation is dropping, Russia and the west are fighting a proxy war via Ukraine, whites are still projected to become the minority in the U.S. by 2045, there are ten people in space, we're still killing the planet, an apple a day helps control apple overpopulation, atmospheric rivers and the polar vortex are currently in charge of everything, and I just switched your Folgers Crystals with regular coffee. You are now up to date. One lump or two?
CHEERS to the jobs report of the century. They said it couldn’t be done. They said Joe Biden was washed up as a jobs creator. The best forecasters in the land predicted that America would lose 2.6 BILLION JOBS in January, followed by 100% inflation and $80 per gallon gas prices. The House MAGA cult was ready to add his failure to their articles of impeachment. The media licked its chops as it prepared to unleash its pre-written stories of ECONOMIC ARMAGEDDON. And then, at the stroke of 8:30 Friday morning, the Bureau of Labor Statistics delivered the news that 353,000 jobs had been created…
It’s the 5th-longest job-creation streak since 1939. And suddenly the forecasters were silent. And Speaker Johnson quietly put the articles of impeachment away. And the networks were forced to devote 20 seconds to the excellent jobs report on the nightly news. And to all of their great disappointment, President Biden slept very well that night.
CHEERS to a profession full of highs and lows. Speaking of forecasters, Happy Weatherpersons' Day! After shoveling the snow off the Wikipedia page, I see that it "recognizes individuals in the fields of meteorology, weather forecasting and broadcast meteorology, as well as volunteer storm spotters and observers. It is observed on the birthday of John Jeffries, one of the United States' first weather observers who took daily measurements starting in 1774." Yes, it took our best scientific minds 250 years to build our modern forecasting tools, and You Tube mere minutes to assemble outtakes like this…
YouTube Video
-
Forecasters predict National Weatherpersons' Day will blow over within the next few hours, followed by an 80 percent chance of lingering National Weatherpersons' Day hangovers. Mostly among weatherpersons.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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Monty doesn't know what to think about his new ear warmers.#ViralHog #horses #funnyanimals pic.twitter.com/kUU5sb0GOS
— ViralHog (@ViralHog) January 31, 2024
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the Illinois governor who took on the Kansas general. Happy 124th birthday to Adlai Stevenson II. He lost to Dwight Eisenhower in both 1952 and 1956. (Then again, I think God herself would have, too.) But as U.N. Ambassador he pleasantly surprised the Kennedy administration by giving the Russians hell during the Cuban missile crisis. And he sure understood Republicans:
"A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation. "
Brother, you said a mouthful.
"I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them."
And I love this:
In other words: nice knowin' ya.
CHEERS to the weekend's Comeback Kid. Saturday night in South Carolina Joe Biden lorded over a Democratic primary landslide. Smothered the competition. Hocked the biggest loogie. gave the biggest noogie. Administered the swirliest swirlie. Dealt it so powerfully that everybody smelt it. Performed the most painful purple nurple. And for his grand finale he reached into his competitors' chests, ripped out their still-beating hearts, and showed it to them. He then quietly put it back them their chest cavities and thanked god Dean Phillips and Marianne Williamson are sound sleepers. On to...where again?
-
Ten years ago in C&J: February 5, 2014
JEERS to the random mumblings of Governor Footinmouth. Yesterday Maine got its annual "state of the state" address, those magical eight uninterrupted hours when our Teapublican governor, Paul LePage, rhetorically straggles through all the hard-line conservative talking points and then proclaims, "The state of our state is…meh, it's too good for you moochers, that's for sure." The speech was punctuated by occasional smatterings of perfunctory applause. But he did say one thing that earned him a well-deserved standing ovation. I believe it was, "In conclusion..."
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Every time you go outside on a clear night you’re doing yourself a grave disservice if you don’t look up and nearly choke on your bong hit as you realize that the universe up there is pretty darn spectacular. The elves at NASA are aware of this, so they always let us in on the big celestial events for the month. Here’s a look at February’s sky-watching highlights, including Jupiter and the moon makin’ eyes at each other, and a spiral galaxy not unlike ours:
YouTube Video
-
By the way, I hate to burst his bubble, but I know how the constellation Orion the hunter manages to look so svelte up there year after year: Spanx.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
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